Sunday, August 17, 2008

Friendship lost....but I'm alright

In January 2008 I ended a 12 year friendship. It was one of the most gut-wrenching decisions I've ever had to make but in my head, and my heart I knew it was time......

Back story:
In December 2007 before the New Year I did a little soul searching, and decided that I did not want a certain kind of person in my life just for the sake of having them there. Friends that were not really sure what an adult friendship was, these new rules applied to two people in my life specifically. Now it would not be real soul searching if I didn't realize and acknowledge that I allowed their behavior by not calling them on the B.S early on. People will treat you the way you allow them know. And so the journey began.

I had lunch with them individually and laid it all out on the table. First friend (and youngest friendship) took me seriously and immediately stepped up her game. She said my friendship was dear to her and she was shocked to know that I felt that way about her (I'm a stickler for etiquette when it comes to invites/phone calls...which you will see later). Second friend also expressed that she understood and would do better but in the end her behavior two weeks after our conversation prompted this blog.

A few weeks later I celebrated my birthday with an informal birthday party, and she was on the list. We had reservations at a lovely Thai restaurant and the guest list was about 20+ people, nothing fancy. Early on the morning of my dinner I spoke to her and then a second time later in the afternoon where she assured me she would be there, late but there. My first mind told me to reduce the guest list because she was not coming but after talking it over with Mr. F$%K it, he said leave her on just in case (which surprised me because he hates her). Too make an already Long story short...........she doesn't show up*. No phone call, no text nothing. I called her phone twice and it went straight to voicemail, so now I am pissed.

I ended up having the most fabulous time! And how could I not? My real friends made it out just to celebrate me, even Mr. F$%K it list loved it! When people who knew her asked where she was I simply replied "Probably at home with some excuse". In my heart I was done. Three days past before she called, I did not answer. By this time I had already sent her an email saying I was tired and that this friendship or whatever is toxic (I'm not into email arguments but i felt I should show her the same courtesy she showed me, NONE).

I woke up the next morning feeling weightless, and free. This was a long time coming (I stopped speaking to her a few years back but somehow she made her way back into my life).

UNTIL I got to work and opened up a three page email telling me (1) why she didn't come (2) how she valued my friendship but if ending it was what I wanted then OK (3) how selfish I am. I felt abused, mentally abused. How dare she?! Was all I could think as I read and re-read her rant. Anger consumed me, not because she responded but because she didn't hear what I was saying to her and was accusing me of being the issue. WTF?!
I responded and told her that again it wasn't the night that upset me, it was that the fact that she didn't feel the need to let me know that something had come up! In the technology age you really have no excuse, text, voicemail, letter in a bottle anything! The point is you just don't leave people hanging its RUDE and inconsiderate! (I also responded with the definition of selfish and responded all signs point at her). She responded with yet another novel about my selfishness and how judgemental I am (F-You) and other nonsense that ended with her telling me that if I wanted to to throw away our friendship that was fine (again my fault). My final response was "SO BE IT" and I felt the relief I woke up with return.

Fast forward 6 months later (a few weeks ago).
I was on the phone with Mr. laughing and joking about us being broke and how I was going to have to take a second job that involved a pole (this is our inside joke, to be told at a later date) and I get this random text, followed by another from a number I don't recognize. And then it hit me my stomach sunk! WHY WHY WHY didn't I deal with this 6 month ago... The texts said(my dissection of them are in bold italics:

"I know we fell out and that things will never be the same. But I thought I would let you know that I'm good. My number is the same if you want to call" And why would I want to call you to see how you are doing...did you apologize and I missed it, did you say how you doin'? NOPE Not a word.

text 2: I have so much to share with you if you care. I mean really, what is it that you have to share with me we haven't spoken in 6 months and not because of life but because I told you that you were toxic and I didn't want to be bothered anymore.

I immediately ran and got on IM to ask my girl LL'amour what she thought. We went back and forth for a while and then finally she said "Nothing, don't do anything just ignore her". I agreed. The decision nagged at me the rest of the day, I was a big enough person to respond and just say I thought the distance was best right? And so when I got home at about 6:3o that is exactly what I did, I told her that I was not interested in rekindling this "friendship" and that distance was probably best. Within seconds she responded to tell me she had gotten married and was now having her 3rd child. Ahhh I was still free, nothing had changed she wanted to see if she could one up me and this time I wasn't falling for it. I read the text to my girl Ms. hart and she said something that I've heard before but never placed any weight on "She's always been jealous of you". I picked up my phone, deleted the texts and turned the phone off.

I realized that night I was alright with not having her in my life because of the emotions that I allow to take over me when she is around, mostly anger. There is a great internet poem that floats around 10 times a year and LL'amour sent it to me this past week here is an exert:

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends. (see full poem here:
reason, season, lifetime)

She was a part of my life for a season and that has ended, I've embraced that and am moving on.

When I started writing this blog it was just to put it out in the universe that I was alright with the changes that life sometimes bring and to thank the universe for the changes that constantly make me a stronger wiser person. I wasn't going to publish it, just set it on fire so as to let it be born something new, something beautiful. And it has right here on this blog, I feel free and to quote the song below:

"Ain't no feeling like being free I'm like an eagle set free finally I'm looking out for me, cause my minds made up and my heart is in the right place"

*This was not the first time, If I sat here and put ya'll on to all the 'Ish I've been through with this girl this would become a blog all about her.


Keith said...

I'm going through the same thing with a so called "friend" in fact I did a blog about my situation a
few days ago..("Real Friends Don't..") It's the same thing...people do thoughtless ,inconsiderate s@#$t and have no idea of the pain and discomfort they cause others.
I feel you...I have a few toxic friendships..I'm just so tired of people and their b.s. I don't know what to do...I'm right there with you on this one.

Big Cheekz said...

man, i can relate to this post like crazy! 2 friends, (one is an in-law) and i had to end my friendship w/them both back in Arpil 08. 2 seperate situations & it got real ugly. one of them we had an issue in the past & didn't speak for like 2 yrs or so and i wondered how i even let her back into my life to begin with. too much drama to get into here, but there were signs that i ignored - and i was friends with them both for 10 years +.

good for you for letting go of those toxic relationships! i still think about my 2 friends often bcs we shared so much over the years, but i do realize i'm better off w/out them. now i have to let go of the grudge i am still holding against them (for not admitting they were wrong, for not apologizing, etc :) LOL

The Dreamy One said...

i so feel you on this, is all i am gonna say!!

happy that you were strong enough to let go of that toxic so called freind

sometimes people are so fucked up they tend to make you thing that you have the problem when they are the ones with the issues

and its true some people are not meant to stay in your life forever!!

The Jaded NYer said...

wow. I'm so sorry... she was truly immature to behave that way, and obviously she blamed you in the emails because she was on the defensive.

but eh, what can you do? keep it moving as you have been.

Now, onto more important things:

1- when is this brunch, and if you say it was yesterday I'm gonna throw a tantrum

2- Thursday in City Hall Park: wanna go see Terrence Howard try to be the new Jamie Foxx?

Miss P said...

it can be hard to let go of people you consider friends, even if you have recognized them as toxic. kudos to you for refusing to allow her to re-insert herself back in your life. i recently had to realize and deal with someone i considered one of my best friends as toxic, but i feel so much better now. it truly does feel like a weight has been lifted

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

now, you KNOW i've been there a time or FOUR!!! LOLOL!!! it is such a disheartening thing to have to cut people out of your life, but its eve more damaging to be in an abusive friendship. and yes, this is abuse when people use you, treat you as if you don't matter but want you to jump hoops for them and their stuff, and project their issues onto you. you did what you had to do and freedom is the best feeling after such ordeals :-)

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

sorry for the multi posts...blogger must be drunk again :-S

12kyle said...

blogger ate my damn comment!!!'re better off. at the end of the day, you gotta be happy, you feel me?

The F$%K it List said...

@Keith I've just decided I was over it. It was hard though because I really do care about her but I need to take care of me and mine now!

@Big Cheekz Thanks for dropping by! I feel you on how thing got ugly, that's what happen with me. It got so ugly that I was fuming in the office. That was when I knew it had to end.

@Dreamy. Don't know if it was strength so much as exhaustion. Emotionally I was beat. And I had to get away to get back to me.

@the Jaded NY Yeah immature behavior and insecurity are a dangerous combo. But leave it to me to want to save someone from themselves.
No the brunch did not happen, I knew it was your baby girls bday. And Shelly Shell is leaving the country this week so its looking like September.

Terrence Howard singing, hahah! I have to see if I can get away. Eb posted the list of entertainers.

@Miss P Though I'm sure DC meant that song for a man/woman relationship I feel it applies. I feel so much lighter without her in my life.

@PCD, HA yes I know and when I read about you doing the same I felt a whole lot better and not so alone in the world of friendship.

Yeah blogger is acting the damn fool today.

@12Kyle Boo Blogger. I feel you. I am free and happy. It's her loss and though she claims to know it I doubt it.

Lena said...

I swear I commented on this post yesterday, it was right under Big Cheekz...

anways, I said I admired you for being strong enough to make that choice and stick to it.

I said more but I don't remember what.

She W0rd Hustlez said...

Girl, some people will never learn the true value of a friendship and grasp the concept of common consideration. I have had the same problem with a few of my "close" friends that I had to let go as well. I can't deal with it and shouldn't have to deal with it. When you sit back and think about all the times you go out of your way to be there for you friends, its only natural to think that your friend would do the same for you. So I feel you girl. She came in to your life twice for a reason and I hope that whatever lesson she was; you learned from it. This post indeed poked at some fresh wounds of mine and pissed me off all over again, loll.

Anonymous said...

Well you know Leggs has gone through similar ish, and you know, it had to happen. I wouldn't change a thing. I learned so much about myself and relationships during that the entire episode and it proved to be invaluable in making me a better person, strenghtening my existing relationships and helping me evaluate and nuture new relationships. A big lesson learned is that friendships should not be trying and a drain; although they are not always full of good times, if the thought of speaking to your friend give you a headache each and every day, time to move on!

Freaky Deaky said...

First time visitor. I applaud you for at least trying to address the problem and repair the relationships. Too many people just bounce as soon as things get difficult. I'm sorry you had to end the friendship but it does seem to be the for the best.