Thursday, September 24, 2009

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~Charles Jones

This morning as I rode into work I witnessed a woman being verbally assaulted by her boyfriend. The words he used were harsh and the looks he gave her condescending all of this on the subway. The way he spoke to her wasn't just a we had a fight earlier and we're both mad and speaking out the side of our necks. He was cursing at her and she kept looking down, like she was ashamed.Watching this got me to thinking about how the mind of an abuser really works.

 I've never had a man hit me or verbally abuse me and I can say for sure I wouldn't be able to tolerate either. IF a man hit me he had better knock me out so that I don't remember him the next day... I'm just saying my life is precious and if you endanger me you've murdered yourself.
*ok focus girl, this is not about you*

So what is it that makes a man an abuser? When the Chris Brown- Rihanna story broke, the excuse was that he was came by it honestly watching his mom be abused. I say excuse because though I believe you are a product of your upbringing, YOU ultimately make the decision to do something you know is wrong.

So what else is it? Is it like men that rape? The need to feel powerful? Are they predators? looking for women they suspect are weak? It really get confusing to me when I see women suffering under the rule of some less than average man.
My first encounter with Domestic Abuse was in Undergrad, I had a friend Sharla*, she dated a really great friend of mine's best friend. Now my friend Rob is nothing but a decent dude, so one would think his friends were the same.Well not this dude. At first he was all flowers and candy and when they were in public you would have thought they were happy happy happy (or maybe we were too blind to see ) but in private we came to learn that he was a real monster. And slowly but surely we were exposed to his abusive behavior. I remember one day Sharla came back to the dorm with her arm in a sling, and when we asked her what happened, she said she fell down the stairs at his house. Then all of a sudden she didn't want to be alone and he was rarely on campus anymore. It finally came out that he had held a gun to her head and pushed her down the stairs.  I was pissed, this girl always had identity issues (when I met her she was a pageant queen, then she decided to adopt what she thought was a Brooklyn style etc....) but this was nuts. And just like in all abusive relationship, I asked her why she would stay with someone that treat her so damn bad. Her answer..."Because I Love Him" SAY WHAT? (PAUSE: check out Bangs and a Bun post on this here: B~ PLEASE). I know Love and that was NOT LOVE....I was S.O.S (stuck on stupid, keep up people)at her response. Anyway she continued to make excuses until graduation, YES FOUR YEARS of bumps and bruises and me threatening the boy after he beat her so badly and then dropped her off at the dorm (I am quite the spit fire). And her number one excuse was that he only knew how to love because that is what his dad did. It was at graduation that she got her damn sense back and as far as I know never looked back.

This wasn't the last time I watched a friend be abused (or the last time I threatened a man life on the strength of friendship) it also wasn't the last time I heard that he didn't know any better and that "I love him"or "he'll get better". Like really, why do women make excuses for the man they really can't stand? And how is it that so many woman associate pain with love? When Mr.F$%K it acts the fool and someone asks me what's wrong with him? I say he's being an ass...IGNORE HIM I am. And I'm sure that I've angered Mr.F$%Kit to the point where he wants to strangle me but he's never hit me.

I don't want this to come off as judgmental, I really am interested to know what makes a man an abuser? And what besides fear makes a woman stay? Shouldn't the woman be more afraid if she doesn't leave because the next step is him trying to kill someone.


12kyle said...

i wish i could shed some light on this caveman behavior...but i can't

great post

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

I have dealt with this in a third party kind of way, my sisters have been with men who were like this. I dont understand it, cant explain it, but this was a very good post. I will say that emotionally and mentally I have been abused myself. It starts with self esteem you HAVE to belive you are more than some trifling ass man