Thursday, December 31, 2009

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~Brooks Atkinson

2009 is on its way out the door, and I can't say I'm sorry to see it go. The last few months of this year have been a trial to say the least but with faith, good family and  friends (and some not so good) I was able to keep my head up and make it through,and for that I am thankful.


2010 will not see me with a list of silly resolutions because I started making the changes I wanted in my life months ago so I'm resolving to just keep moving forward. Working on getting my chakras back in line and gaining the Peace I once had.

I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year but to 2009 I say WRAP IT UP B!


Chappelle's Show
Wrap it Up!
www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs
Black Comedy
True Hollywood Story



Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Leave it in 2009

2009 has produced some of the most annoying slang, clothing, TV shows, and music so I'm begging you all to leave it or face the wrath of my side eye and Shaharazad Ali open handed smack to the mouth. Those of you  unfamiliar with Shaharazad, Do yourself a favor and  google her, This woman is crazy as a f$%king loon.

Anyway here are the things that need to stay in 2009 or happy open handed smack to you:

Leggings: Leather, spandex, lace, sequin . I don't care what they are made of leave them in 2009. They are not pants, so please spare me and yourself the embarrassment of wearing them as such. ESPECIALLY if your shirt only reaches your waist because the thought of being greeted by your crotch will get you smacked.

Uggs: I'm sure all of you have heard my rants on these boot/slippers and so I won't waste time saying it again. Alright I lied. UGGS are Short for UGLY! add to that they are not rain boots and you now know why  you received that smack in the mouth.



Un-honorable mention: Winterized Clog. Plastic Shoes CAN NOT be 1) Comfortable 2) Winterized. So be warned!


Leotards. I danced for many years and I've always hated wearing them, so when I the Pop stars of 2009 decided that they made a great fashion choice I gagged! Then I saw a girl in one on Halloween, sweetie you are not 'yonce and dem so please stop it! I was speaking with one of the Mr's nieces and she told me that the girls at LIU Post wear leotards, leg warmers, and Uggs together all the time. *Note to self stay away from Post or you will go to jail for multiple smacks*

The term Hater: Yes this is a hold over for a few years ago but in 2010 I don't need to hear it at all. Why? Because when people use it now 90% of the time it makes no sense. If there is a difference in opinion in conversation its inevitable that someone will utter the dreaded "why are you hating" or "Hi Hater". PLEASE PEOPLE STOP IT! . I have way better things to do with my time than worry about hating on you. Especially since you probably don't have anything I actually want in the fist place.

Lil Wayne: Yes Yes I was a little touched by his Vh1 behind the music but dang nabbit ENOUGH already. I just saw his scary troll behind in a Shakira video,SHAKIRA! But since he's on his way to lock up in NY maybe I can get some peace and quiet.

BEYONFuckingCE: I was going to leave her off the list and then she decided she was Black culture. Add to that dumbasses on Twitter deciding she was the only person big enough to say something like that. Well you know what, If she's Black Culture I'm handing in my Black card because I refuse to be associated with that mess. I mean really have you heard that God AWFUL song? She doesn't say one thing that would make me say "Yes ok I hear you 'Yonce" no this heffa is talking about Party to people the people that party...WTH is wrong with that chile. I thought Jay stopped smoking the La-la-la, maybe he needs to talk to her about it. And why is she laughing all on the track. Dear White Jesus, please come get your obviously drunk with time child!
Oh here's the video if you'd like your brain to explode; I am POP Culture.
*hmph ya'll know I take REAL Black Culture seriously*

Sexting: Look first of all that's for lames and dumbasses so if you are spending time sending pics of your assets to some dude/chick that will probably show it to all of their friends you're a LAME and this open hand is for you!  Teenagers are guilty but I know some of the over 21 crowd that indulge in this mess.

Terms like 5 Star Chick: GTFOH with that mess. What the hell does that mean anyway? Last I checked 5 stars was given to hotel and movies. So is that what you are saying your comfy for people to sleep in or watch act the damn fool. Grr Black people Do BETTER or SLAP SLAP (unhonorable mention goes to basic bitch and Barbie,Thanks Mizinspiredmind)

Stanky Legs, The Jerk any other stupid ass dance that came out in 2009.ESPECIALLY for the women, have some class already. I mean JEEZ why would you want some dude to bang his peen into your back and you call it daggerin' WTH is wrong with ya'll. Wait are you not familiar with this dance, see below:


*yes Jaded Nyer I know this is your song and its fine but I'll be damned if some dude comes banging his peen into my back*

Text Chat. Look I get it when we all had old school phones we had to shorten words because really who in the hell wanted to type every letter. BUT DAMN IT you all have Smart phones, so why in the hell are not using them. SMART phones should not type STUPID half words. And if you're at a keyboard, unless letters are missing CUT IT OUT! I don't know what you're talking about and I'm not going to bang my head trying to find out.

So the moral of the story is if I see any of you running around doing any of the above, Please Believe the smack you receive will be lethal.






Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Random Ish from the Vacation Sofa


Today is my first day of vacation, a real vacation. No checking emails, voicemail nothing. So why am I freaking out?

Today I will eat all the foods that are bad for me.....O.K maybe not all of them.

Wait I guess I already failed at the last one because I had a fruit salad

Why is it that when white artist want to sound more soulful they find a black church choir (I see you Rob Thomas)

Princess and the Frog: To See or Not to see

Alvin and The Chipmunks: NOT TO SEE.I mean really little Chippettes singing "Single Ladies"  I will not promote that BS in my family.

Is it really Christmas already? Where has the last 6 months gone.  I don't even really remember the summer.
So in 2009 the only way to get a hit song was to have on a leotard or add Lil Wayne to your song (or if he was rocking out in a prison cell, Drake)?

I quit music for the reasons above.

Being a Mom is pretty awesome, for those of you not so lucky I lend CJ out every other Monday and Wed.

The First day of vacation should be celebrated at IHOP in Babylon (translation downtown Brooklyn)

Why can't the Senate get it right,  UHC is a necessity not a luxury!

You know what is a luxury your comfy Senate positions! The Bronx and Queens had better act like they have some damn sense and get rid of those awful Senators in the next election.

Did I already say I quit Music? Yeah I did but then I saw the Shakira video feat.Lil Wayne. Leotards and Lil Wayne. GREAT

Why can't I shake my feeling of STRONG Like for 50 cent? I actually watch Get Rich or Die trying at 12am. Getting soft in my old age.

If you follow me on twitter, this blog, comments on other people blogs, or just down the street you need to know that I've reinstated the Shaharazad Ali Open handed slap to the mouth.   A list of ways you can receive one will be posted shortly.

In another heated A.Keys is a home wrecked discussion, someone asked can you blame Swizz Beatz for wanting to be with Alicia Keys? Uhh no, but I can blame her for having no standards, he's GROSS

he's on my list of  celebs that scare me, add to that Marc Anthony, Lloyd Banks oh the list goes on and on.

I'm going to really bring back old school slang now. I've been all over it on twitter.


*** ah what a relief,  I feel a lot lighter now, I'm off to play in the stores! ****








Saturday, December 19, 2009

Today is your Birthday....

11 years ago in Brooklyn, I witnessed the birth of my nephew Mateo.  He was so little, and I was so in awe of how weird he looked but in a cute way. I loved him instantly and as the years have gone by he's made me sooooo proud to be his aunt.

I love You MATEO, HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!



Monday, December 14, 2009

Conversations with a chid



Mother and Child By Kadir Nelson

The conversations with CJ are getting to be funnier day by day. He's such a character that this is definitely going to be a weekly installment, so here are a few we've had over the last week:


On Silence

Me: CJ please get off the bed, I'm trying to make it up.
CJ: Ok Mommy but I'm not talking to you anymore.
Me: Ok, I'll finally get some peace and quiet
CJ: I don't say I'm going to be quiet, I'm just not talking to you.

Its wrong to spank a kid for being smart right? I just turned away from him.

Music is the Message

CJ: Mommy I'm a Hip Hop boy
Me: what? you like all kinds of music, who told you that you were a Hip Hop boy?
CJ: Myself
Me: ok. Sing me a song then
CJ: No Hip Hop boys rap &dance *starts break dancing*
Me: I can't
CJ: Can't is not a word

*Yet another example of my words biting me in the butt.

Christmas needs to make its way to NY, screw that town

CJ has all of a sudden decided in order to go to sleep I have to sing Christmas carols. I do it even thoug Christmas songs make me want to jump off the nearest ledge. His favorite is "santa claus is coming to town" and he picked up all the words after one of my renditions that included tap dancing and jazz hands what? It was fabulous thank you
. Anyway last night I did the regular songs but all of a sudden CJ had questions.

Me(and CJ) singing: you betta not cry I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town
CJ: Mommy is New Yawk (yes that's how he says it) a town?
Me No its a city, *continues singing*
CJ: hmm so Santa is not coming *cue tears NOW*
Me: No he's coming to cities too. Town just sounds better in the song.
CJ: I want to say "Santa Claus is coming to NY" ok?
Me: ok that's fine but it won't sound the same
*why do I get myself into these crazy conversations, if I was thinking I would have just said YES*
CJ *singing* you better not cry I'm telling you why Santa Clause is coming to town and NY too
Me: Boy go to bed!





Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Open Letter


Dear Mariah,

Has it really come to this? I've tried to leave it to the other Bloggers to help you but nothing seems to be seeping into your wavy curls and head. You are a really good singer, unlike 90% of the talentless hacks on the scene. So why MARIAH are you doing crapola songs (have you really listened to the lyrics to Obsessed), wearing butterfly and rainbow jewelry, and mini cut-off jean skirts and skin tight pants? You're not a child anymore. It's not helping you sell records anymore or less, its not how you got your boy toy, husband so can you please explain? I was reading Papers magazine on the train when I was assaulted by this:


Mimi, if you haven't guessed it those are your boobs and I don't understand why they are featured in a magazine that is not King or some other probably defunct T&A Magazine. I mean really! I just came to respect you again for your portrayal of a social worker in "Precious", sure I clowned your mustache but I know you did it for the part. But this is just ridiculous. It's time for you to start acting your age Mrs.Cannon, Sexy doesn't stop and end at mid-drifts and 25. I hope you really get to thinking about this,I'd hate to have to ask White Jesus to intervene.

Signed,

The F$%K it List

a fan from when you wore turtlenecks and relied on your talents.

P.S.What would O.D.B say,Think about it MiMi



Tiger Wood ya'll its all Good Ya'll



Do you all remember that song? Well I bet Mr. Woods wishes it was all good right now.In the last two weeks we've watched as Tiger went from Super Clean "Guess Whose coming to Dinner" dream man to The Mandingo white girl slayer. When the first report broke that Tiger had been in an accident and it may have had to do with an affair, I turned to the Mr. and said "may have? he's cheating and she found out and watch how fast this hits him, its going to be like OJ", he said I was crazy because Elin Woods was alive. He totally missed my point... I was trying to tell him that the media was going to villanize Tiger because he was no longer the safe Caublasian everyone knew and loved.
FAST FORWARD >>>>
I don't need to rehash the seedy details of what has happen because just like me you've been inundated with the whole messy tale of Tiger's crash, scratches, his affair denial, then apology, and the women that crawled out from under their rocks for their 15minute of fame . Look I won't deny that Tiger was DEAD ASS wrong for having multiple affairs, he's hurt his family and this will be part of his punishment. The women that are involved in this scandal are just as wrong. The media is portraying them as victims, like they just couln't resist his sexual powers (BWHAHAHA, that makes me giggle) and that is wrong. These women knew he was married but they chose to take on the role of hoes,so the only sympathy they get from me is for their self-respect. Because once that's gone you can rarely get it back...look at Monica Lewinski.

But what has really irked me during the last few days is how the media has gone on this rabid dog rampage (and even Tiger's apology) covering this. An affair is not a matter of national security, Like I don't know....... the WAR being fought in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the 30,000 troops about to be sent over to fight this senseless war IT'S an AFFAIR (or 10). News channels are devoting several segments to analyze the women he's slept with, why he would cheat and  reports that his endorsements are in jeopardy(Gatorade dropped him today even though they said the decision was made months ago,yeah right). Then Tiger made a public apology,uhm did he cheat on me?NO! Tiger Woods doesn't owe the public apology because he couldn't take his mind off his peen while on the road. I'm a not a fan of him , he's always striked me as weird and socially inept but if he was some how caught cheating at his profession I might give him a mean *SIDE EYE*, but cheating on  his wife and children not my problem.  At first I was baffled by the amount of coverage this was getting until I thought about it, This country thrives on the destruction of other peoples images.We see it all the time! We put so much energy into putting these celebritie on a pedistal we forget they are regular human beings and his misery equals to our happiness.

Clearly with all this coverage his legacy will be tarnished, and that's a shame because his effect on the sport is way more important than this foolishness in his personal life. Tiger Woods gave children of color a new outlook on a game that normally would not have them, and this is very important.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear White Jesus, Please explain:

I've decided that its the false version of Jesus (you know long blond hair, blue eyes, white robe, and Tevas) that has to be responsible for all this craziness.  And I need an explanation:

Let's break this one down together...mmmmkay?

Struggling in Singledom? Try Steve Harvey's Singles Bootcamp! 

Have you gone on countless dates and still can't find your Mr. or Mrs. Right? Reasonable question
Do you find yourself being attracted to the same kind of person, the bad boy or the party girl? Are you divorced and finding it difficult to break into the dating scene? Hmm hasn't Steve Harvey been divorced THREE, count them 1,2, 3 Times? YES Indeed he has.
Want answers? I do but I don't think Steve Harvey can answer them

Let our relationship guru, Steve Harvey, give you tips on what you may be doing wrong in "Good Morning America's" Singles Bootcamp. Sorry I went blind for a second, did we use Steve Harvey and Guru in the same sentence?

Tell us your story by filling out the form below and a "GMA" producer may be in contact with you. If you are in the New York area, you could be invited to appear on the show and get advice from Steve in person.
PLEASE don't do it to yourself, this is a man that says the word cookie when speaking about the female genitalia. COOKIE you heard me right. But if you are so daring and want to Think Like a Man but act like a Lady please be so refined that he is lost for words. I need this madness to stop!

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I also need an explanation on why White Jesus keeps allowing Sean Kingston in the studio. He's not talented and not cute, he's just all around annoying. And don't forget his voice causes seizures, ok I made that part up. His latest musical venture is about twitter and it's PLAIN OLD Terrible. I'm not even going to post it on my page, here is the link. Warning this will cause unexplained seizures click at your own risk.

Remember this from the Dave Chappelle show?


Well, a 20 year old boy in Poplarville, MS (Dyron Hart) thought it would be freaking hilarious to pose as a white supremacists angry about the election of President Obama on facebook. This genius also sent out emails threatening to kill three black students. All his fun and games lead to a trace of his IP address and friendly visit from the FBI, and 3 years probation.  I can't even blame this one on white Jesus, this is just plain old stupidity. Sending threatening emails is a sure fire way to get caught, almost as bad as sending a text message *side eye Tiger Woods*.

ok I'm done for now, I hope he hears my plea and gets back to me pronto.

oh wait, would it be wrong to blame him for this:

Haha I'm going to hell for this, I am 90% sure of it.