Friday, June 24, 2011

Say you will sing your song.... FOREVER MORE.

It's 3:00 am and my mind is racing because I can't remember the exact time I found out.

I remember it was in the morning, I was on my way to work.
I remember that my mom called and I told her I'd call her right back because I thought she was calling to yell at me for something.
I remember not being able to get anyone on the phone once I got off the train.
I remember finally getting a hold of my mom.
I remember her saying it's okay, but it wasn't. She was in tears.
I was in shock
I remember floating to work, I think its called an out of body experience.
I remember collapsing on the corner of 46th and sending an email. "If anyone is looking for me I'm downstairs in the lobby."
I remember the tears and then the hugs. People telling me to go home.
I remember being at home, in the bed mid-day and not being able to stop the flood.
I remember all of these details but I can't remember the exact time I found out.

Maybe that doesn't matter, maybe it's just a small detail left in the wind.
I remember the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the questioning, the silence.
It's all very raw, will this feeling ever die? Probably not, but it will get better that's what they say. Year by year I'll remember less but I'll never forget.

 I know you're watching over us, you always have, We love and Miss you Dearly Bob!

*this song always makes me think of him*

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Strength, Courage and Wisdom.

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found - India Arie

The last few weeks have left me stressed, doubtful and all in all pretty down. It could be hormones, it could be my heart, it could be a host of things but all I know is that this time for change has been knocking me around long enough. I have to get to rid of this empty feeling that has been hanging over my spirit. It's really hard to get back to my zen self without getting rid of it. 

1st HOME:  Sure everything is in A place but it's not all in it's RIGHT place. I don't work well in disorganized environments and right now that's where I feel like I am.  Books not on book shelves, power cords everywhere, clothes still not put away. I need to fix this ASAP. I had a dream the other day that I left my home because the clutter was too much to take. When I woke up I started cleaning, on hands and knees scrubbing floors kind of cleaning. I felt better once it was done. Now to organize this damn mail. 

2nd: Family: Since we've been out here on Long Island I don't see my mom and grandma as much as I want to. Life is busy and I know they understand it but that's really just an excuse because I can make the time. AND I WILL make the time. This next week is going to be hard for our family, the anniversary of the death that shook us to the core.  I almost feel as though I'm still really raw from that and haven't honestly dealt with all the feelings from that, and the only way I can is to be with my family. 

3rd: My career and the relationships built there Good and bad. I'm ready to take a leap of faith with my career and I've worked out the plan that is the necessary follow up. I'm glad my support system is as big as it is because I will be resting on them.  The Good relationships I've built are amazing and I love them dearly but in the last week I've realized that two people I thought were on the good side aren't. So my distancing myself from them begins today. If there is one thing I can say, I've TRIED  and that's really all I can do. 

LASTLY, I have to take back the feeling of freedom I had when I lived in Brooklyn, I went and came as I pleased and sometimes out here I feel trapped. That stops today for me and for CJ. I'm not placing a timeline on this one, but it will be done. I am also not revealing all the details because well I get tired of people chiming in on every aspect of my life. I know what I need to do, and no matter how many times someone else tells me Oh you need to hurry up and do ABC, it only annoys and upsets me. And I can't be all  zen with anger in my life. 

That's it. Time to remove the procrastination and grab back my freedom. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Slow dancing in a burning room

In the last few weeks I've been chatting with a friend about her relationship with a guy she knows she probably has no business dealing and right now they are on the verge of a really bad breakup. No one has cheated, no one has been abusive, when most people meet them they think "Wow what a perfect couple" and you know what that's 99.99% of the problem. They are what I like to call the Great on paper relationship. Written out they look great and you'd think they were destined to be together forever but in the real world they just aren't meant to be.

In our last conversation I told her the problems as I see them from her end and she called me old fashioned and as usual told me I just don't understand because *insert earplugs* You and Black have been together forever, BLAH BLAH BLAH, he was your first love, BLAH and the list went on. Whether or not she takes my advice is up to her, I suspect she won't and their relationship will end but in the meantime I'll share my thoughts:

*When they met she found EVER REASON in the book not to date him, none of which were legitimate. She was scared because he's a bit of a pretty boy.  So she went in with doubt that she wasn't good enough for him and I think it only got worse as they stayed together. How did she cope? She broke him down any chance she got.My advice months ago was for her to seek some therapy and work on whatever her issues might be.

* She never spent time with him ONLY. There was always the next party, the next this that or the other and it always included all of her friends. If I was him I'd get tired of always being with her single girl friends too.

*She's a runner. She talks a REAL big game but when the shit is thrown her way, she's off on the dash. Her feelings are easily hurt and so her only option is to turn away. And usually she turns to the friends that have been giving her the worst advice. *sigh*

And lastly, Every issue she had with him she shared with the world. She put it on FB, she told all her friends and LORD knows what she would have said if she was on twitter.  The point is this if you're trying to build something with someone the whole world does not need to know every step you make. That really just becomes a doorway to disaster. Facebook shouldn't be where you run to let your 15,000 friends know you're not happy with something the man sitting across from you is doing (neither should twitter). And your friends shouldn't either, sure you need someone to vent to we all do but you need to know who you're venting too. Your friend of 20 years still might not have your best interest at heart if she's on the dating scene, her vision may be clouded.  And your married friends might not be helpful either, the only people that can help fix a relationship are the people IN the relationship. I firmly believe that if you keep relying on others opinions of your relationships, your relationship won't succeed. So I advised her to speak to him, he's the only one that can fix what you see as broken.

So with all of that, I figured she'd understand when I told her they are slow dancing in a burning room, it's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt and then it's too late. Hey but what do I know, I don't understand. Yada Yada Yada.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Go the F**k to Sleep

Where the heck was this book when I was battling with C.J every night for a year to go to sleep.LOL! ENJOY.

My favorite line, How come you can do all this other great shit but you can't lie the fuck down and sleep" LOL!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Pretty Simple question:

Racism is an illness, are you sick?

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I recently witnessed some catty, passive aggressive BS on my Twitter timeline and ugh I was completely turned off by it. Not many things get under my skin, not that I'm all heartless and have no feelings but I just don't have the time to take on other people's drama. I often go to @SmartysWorld to vent my frustration I feel about people and their passive aggressive BS, I always start the same way "I'm not built to deal with catty women and their insecurities" and what I mean by that is if you're either of those things DON'T direct that shit my way in any form or fashion. I'd rather you just remove yourself from my circle.

So imagine my glee when I found this quote:

"I have always despised the whining yelp of complaint and cowardly resolve." -Robert Burns, Scottish Poet known as the Bard of Ayrshire

Yes Mr.Burns, you've hit then nail on the head with this one. I'm sure I'll be using this one a lot. As a matter of fact let me go change my FB status right now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Beating a dead horse

Lately I've been unmotivated, I don't want to write and I feel not one bit of guilt about it. Some might say oh you just need to take a break and their right but it's not from blogging, it's from reading blogs. Why? Because every blog is talking about the same thing, and though the take on it is slightly different it's still all the same things. Here are just a few that have just taken me over the edge:

1. Black women have issues and that's why they are not married. YES we get it there is a sect of Black women that have issues and can't seem to stay in a healthy relationship. Well what is the fix for this? Is it 10 gazillion angry Black men writing blogs about why they don't date Black women? NO. That just reinforces the negativity and that doesn't help anyone grow. It just leaves everyone stuck. And I'm here to tell you this is not a Black women's issue. This weekend I witness a white woman basically begging her long term boyfriend to at least propose to her. She told him "if you can afford to take me to Aruba, then you can afford my ring" O_o

2. Natural vs. Non-Natural hair  ENOUGH ALREADY! WE get it you've made the big chop, your hair is chemical free and you love it. GOOD FOR YOU! But do you need to talk about it every single solitary moment of the day? NO. And do you need to bash your sisters that chose to keep their hair permed? NO! Your Natural hair makes you no more down for the uplifting of Black people than the girl with the perm (maybe the girl with the $30 lace front, but that's another story). So cut it out. Love who you are inside and out because one day you could lose all that natural hair and then what?

3. Dark skin vs. Light skin What the hell year is this? it's not 1955 and if someone dares to ask you to take the brown paper bag test, slap the shit out of them and move one. I'm just tired of it all. I thought we were past the light skin, ,long hair times. Like who you like but stop comparing and degrading others. It's fine that you like a light skin chick but you don't need to wear a shirt broadcasting it. And it's fine or a dark skin woman to think she is the shit! Because it probably has nothing to do with her skin complexion but her achievements in life.. Ever think about that? So just cut it out.

4. ALL of you women, stop talking about how independent you are. Independence comes with security so it you're tweeting, posting and blasting Independent women in your car ALL THE TIME, Chances are you ain't that independent.  So let's stop fronting, cause there's no future in it. This goes for single and married women.

Oh I could go on and on but I won't because this will turn into a book.  All in all this comes down to knowing who you are, loving who you are and not worrying about what others think about you. It works for me.