Monday, June 20, 2011

Slow dancing in a burning room

In the last few weeks I've been chatting with a friend about her relationship with a guy she knows she probably has no business dealing and right now they are on the verge of a really bad breakup. No one has cheated, no one has been abusive, when most people meet them they think "Wow what a perfect couple" and you know what that's 99.99% of the problem. They are what I like to call the Great on paper relationship. Written out they look great and you'd think they were destined to be together forever but in the real world they just aren't meant to be.

In our last conversation I told her the problems as I see them from her end and she called me old fashioned and as usual told me I just don't understand because *insert earplugs* You and Black have been together forever, BLAH BLAH BLAH, he was your first love, BLAH and the list went on. Whether or not she takes my advice is up to her, I suspect she won't and their relationship will end but in the meantime I'll share my thoughts:

*When they met she found EVER REASON in the book not to date him, none of which were legitimate. She was scared because he's a bit of a pretty boy.  So she went in with doubt that she wasn't good enough for him and I think it only got worse as they stayed together. How did she cope? She broke him down any chance she got.My advice months ago was for her to seek some therapy and work on whatever her issues might be.

* She never spent time with him ONLY. There was always the next party, the next this that or the other and it always included all of her friends. If I was him I'd get tired of always being with her single girl friends too.

*She's a runner. She talks a REAL big game but when the shit is thrown her way, she's off on the dash. Her feelings are easily hurt and so her only option is to turn away. And usually she turns to the friends that have been giving her the worst advice. *sigh*

And lastly, Every issue she had with him she shared with the world. She put it on FB, she told all her friends and LORD knows what she would have said if she was on twitter.  The point is this if you're trying to build something with someone the whole world does not need to know every step you make. That really just becomes a doorway to disaster. Facebook shouldn't be where you run to let your 15,000 friends know you're not happy with something the man sitting across from you is doing (neither should twitter). And your friends shouldn't either, sure you need someone to vent to we all do but you need to know who you're venting too. Your friend of 20 years still might not have your best interest at heart if she's on the dating scene, her vision may be clouded.  And your married friends might not be helpful either, the only people that can help fix a relationship are the people IN the relationship. I firmly believe that if you keep relying on others opinions of your relationships, your relationship won't succeed. So I advised her to speak to him, he's the only one that can fix what you see as broken.

So with all of that, I figured she'd understand when I told her they are slow dancing in a burning room, it's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt and then it's too late. Hey but what do I know, I don't understand. Yada Yada Yada.


Smarty P. Jones said...

A lot of folks go seeking advice knowing in their hearts the right thing to do. A lot of times, they want other people to tell them what they want to hear as opposed to the truth. Sadly, I think this friend miscalculated in thinking you'd coddle them.

Mommy Lisa said...

Ugh - watched a friend get married to "that guy" last summer. It was hideous.

♥ CG ♥ said...

I swear this must be the year of train wrecks. Hardheaded ppl really get on my last nerve. Sounds like she has some maturing to do.