Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Strength, Courage and Wisdom.

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found - India Arie

The last few weeks have left me stressed, doubtful and all in all pretty down. It could be hormones, it could be my heart, it could be a host of things but all I know is that this time for change has been knocking me around long enough. I have to get to rid of this empty feeling that has been hanging over my spirit. It's really hard to get back to my zen self without getting rid of it. 

1st HOME:  Sure everything is in A place but it's not all in it's RIGHT place. I don't work well in disorganized environments and right now that's where I feel like I am.  Books not on book shelves, power cords everywhere, clothes still not put away. I need to fix this ASAP. I had a dream the other day that I left my home because the clutter was too much to take. When I woke up I started cleaning, on hands and knees scrubbing floors kind of cleaning. I felt better once it was done. Now to organize this damn mail. 

2nd: Family: Since we've been out here on Long Island I don't see my mom and grandma as much as I want to. Life is busy and I know they understand it but that's really just an excuse because I can make the time. AND I WILL make the time. This next week is going to be hard for our family, the anniversary of the death that shook us to the core.  I almost feel as though I'm still really raw from that and haven't honestly dealt with all the feelings from that, and the only way I can is to be with my family. 

3rd: My career and the relationships built there Good and bad. I'm ready to take a leap of faith with my career and I've worked out the plan that is the necessary follow up. I'm glad my support system is as big as it is because I will be resting on them.  The Good relationships I've built are amazing and I love them dearly but in the last week I've realized that two people I thought were on the good side aren't. So my distancing myself from them begins today. If there is one thing I can say, I've TRIED  and that's really all I can do. 

LASTLY, I have to take back the feeling of freedom I had when I lived in Brooklyn, I went and came as I pleased and sometimes out here I feel trapped. That stops today for me and for CJ. I'm not placing a timeline on this one, but it will be done. I am also not revealing all the details because well I get tired of people chiming in on every aspect of my life. I know what I need to do, and no matter how many times someone else tells me Oh you need to hurry up and do ABC, it only annoys and upsets me. And I can't be all  zen with anger in my life. 

That's it. Time to remove the procrastination and grab back my freedom. 


The True Urban Queen said...

Sometimes, it is so easy to allow - and this is in my case- procrastination and depression to cloud the spirit and choke the soul. But, it seems as if you know what you need to do, you are working out what you need to do, and you have a support system of friends and family who will help get you through.

I do wish you peace, luck, and many blessings on your path back to your zen-self.

Smarty P. Jones said...

Procrastination is NOT a friend to anyone. I hope you find your way back to you soon. It's a scary feeling when things aren't the way they should be. Let me know if I can help.